How i plan to manage the lows.

My feeling’s at the moment is filled with such lows and highs and it is hard for me to make sense of them due to how much I need to be able to manage in my life, between anxiety, depression, and pain its hard for me to understand what feelings are real or not.

I keep going through these huge highs and lows, one minute I’m so excited about taking control of my life and making a change for the better, the future seems exciting in a way they haven’t been for a long time.

Then suddenly doubt kicks in, how can someone like me manage, I have failed so many times before how is this time any different from every other time I get all excited but then can’t stick to things. Before I know it I’m on the brink of a panic attack trying to figure out how I got to this point in the first place and is it already too late for me.

Just to clarify I am 28 and hope I have a lot more time left in me and is it ever too late to change anything, so I have a feeling the change in my food isn’t going to be the difficult part, changing my thought are the hard thing but again I’m already making excuses.

I can’t imagine ever living without anxiety, depression, and self-doubt, can a person ever truly change the way they think. I have tried to read about this, and there is a metaphor that is commonly used as the big black dog, that it is always with you, some days its bigger, some days its smaller but it is always there. so is that it for me, sentenced to live the rest of my life walking this imaginary dog that I never wanted in the first place.

So this process is going to take more than a change of food and extra exercise, I have to try and learn a whole new way of thinking, maybe invest in a dog training program because I will gain control one way or another if I cant get rid I will have to find a way to change it from a Great Dane to a Chiwawa.

At this moment though i am just going to enjoy it, try to stop worrying about the next hurdle, and try to find a way to really just embrace the good, everytime I feel doubt or saddness i am going to concentrate on a moment that made me truely happy.

Like yesterday for example yesterday there was a moment I in the kitchen with my wonderful fiance, I could hear my children playing happily behind me, and my baby in my arms cooing and playing, all I could think was I wish this moment would last forever, I felt my true happiness.

I am going to write these moments so, at times when I am feeling lost or defeated it will remind me that the feeling is only temporary, I have gotten through this before I will again, I am stronger than I think, and hopefully, this will remind me.